Thursday, 5 February 2009

DEV P reviews DEV D. Harrow Observer, U.K exclusive!

DEV P reviews DEV D...anurag eshtyle! – Harrow Observer, U.K exclusive!

18+ A review.
by Devansh Patel

First off, let’s set out the criteria: a bad Bollywood movie title does the opposite of its intention, which is to arouse your interests and convince you to buy the tickets from the box office. Nope, these titles work against them — they disgust, confuse or just plain turn you off. I’ve divided them up into 4 categories: 1) Gross, 2) Groan, 3) Stupid, and 4) What The Hell. Let’s put it this way, Dev D is an attempt to make a porno classic from a cult classic without showing it.

I sort of hesitate to make this claim, because of all the porn in the world, I've really only seen a fraction of it. And honestly, I wouldn't want to see anymore, I don’t know if my ego could withstand the blow of that much porn with the cheesy ‘oooh’s and ouch’s’, that too in a Hindi style. Could you believe it?
But I did, when I saw Dev D at the Brass Band premiere at Chandan talkies in Mumbai.

The film kick starts with young Dev and Paro in their school going days struggle to argue over a dabba filled with paratha. Cut to a completely grown pervert Paro talking to a fully grown desperate Dev in London with the London Eye spying in the backdrop. With all his teenage life spent in London, Dev wants to see his bachpan ka love completely nude on his jhakaas laptop. What more? Off go the clothes, off goes Paro for developing her ‘personal asset’ picture and then trying to scan it herself and send it across to Dev in no time. Dev sees the picture of Paro and says, “Main Aa Raha Hoon”.

Next up were some B grade scenes with Dev smooching a girl inside the poultry farm. Dev trying to do ‘woh’ with Paro in her room, in her backyard and in the middle of a field where ‘Paro ne pura intezaam kar ke rakha tha’. Both start making love till the film’s most distort lines are uttered by Paro, “Tumhe kitne baal hain”. Apna Dev doesn’t allow Paro to come near him and calls her a slut with no sense of dressing. But before that happens, Dev gets upset over allegations made by Paro’s original lover that he has slept with her and that she is too hot to handle. But our Dev cannot handle it and his emotional atyachaar begins with the brass band song.
Now the introduction of Leeny, a young school student. She turns Chanda, a high profile hooker in no time after being ‘ghar se be dakhal’ by her mother. Guess what! Leeny’s father commits suicide because he sees his daughter making love ‘chori chori chupke chupke’. Cut to Chanda’s first customer.....Anurag Kashyap himself in a special cameo. By that time, things were getting too hot inside Chandan. I had already gulped about two bottles of Coke without Vodka.

As a common man, I turned to watch Dev D for two reasons – one, to see some hot erotic scenes and two, to see how many people were actually going to chuck their condoms in the bin after watching Dev D. To my surprise, I was disappointed with the results. No erotic scene and no condom being chucked. I mean, why should they? It is better to be safe than sound. I also figure there may be people out there who've seen worse (and I'm sure I'll be getting your emails).

Usually when it comes to porn, you have to throw all logic out the window anyway. The "storylines" (and I use that term as loosely as possible) are so far-fetched, it's ridiculous! Not like we're not here to see fuc***g, why even bother? I guess this is the director's attempt to somehow establish himself as a valid artist, and not just the guy who says "Okay, now put it in her b***." Why not just show us what we want to see and cut the crap? I don't need to know why they're doing it, that sh** is unnecessary information. Now, theoretically, the story should stop here. Anurag has just accomplished his mission of showing his first ever B grade flick.

My favorite part about this whole film was the ‘Emotional Atyachaar’ song and the way Sinbad Phugra and his ‘Twilight Players’ danced. But anyway, I digress. More than whatever disturbing fetishes and sexual deviances a film like Dev D can come up with, it's the actual storyline that leave me fuc**d up and crying for my mortal soul, which leads me to what I feel is the worst film ever. RGV, you can now stand up and pat your back for making RGV ki Aag.’ UTV Spot Boys should on the spot decide whether to show this kind of ‘atyachaar’ to their audiences or not. Anurag should learn from Madhur Bhandarkar – Stick to emotions baba....It would rather make sense for Kashyap to make a film on the Porn industry. Madhur, please don’t get inspired now!

Okay, back to the crap. Abhay Deol acts well, Mahi is ‘nahiiiiiiiiiiiii ab bas bhi karo’ and Kalki should be a good girl and join school again.

While there's nothing overtly shocking or disgusting (aside from all the scenes in the film), it just continually and gradually eats away at your soul until you are nothing left but a lifeless husk, a shell of what you used to be. Much like Japanese horror films, the aim isn't for a cheap "Oh shit!" shock value, but for something that will emotionally scar you for years to come. And boy oh boy did this film succeed. So I have dubbed it the ‘Worst Porn Ever’.

RATING – Not applicable

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